Saturday, August 1, 2009

Thinking too much, Much too late

Three days to go before my surgery. I’m not sure how I am supposed to be feeling, although I am sure that I should be sleeping by now. On one hand, I am so excited to cut this cancer out and know that it is gone. On the other, the price of that is waking up without a portion of me.

I could have taken the easy way out. Let me correct that…there is no easy way out of cancer. But for me, it would have been much easier at work, financially, and emotionally to have chosen the lumpectomy. It is the right choice for many many women and I don’t mean their road is an easy one in any way. It just begins looking easy when facing the alternative. For me, both options mean chemo, baldness, etc. But, on one hand being back at work in 4 days and having no follow-up surgery sounds easier right now. I could wake up with “the girls” (as I’ve begun to call them) and continue our lives together.

But, make no mistake. I want this surgery. I’m just filled with anxiety about how I will feel once it’s done. Will I regret not appreciating them all of these years? Or will I feel a wave of relief? I’m, betting the answer is both. Thankfully I’ve already seen the handiwork of my plastic surgeon. Man, he’s good! He can recreate anything! So, that helps a lot.

It’s the wait for the recreation that’s been seeming overwhelming. But, I think the combo of those little orange pills and my new "back to work" boob garments are making that a little less scary. Besides we're setting a clear precedent with the rest of my body. Turn on me, and you too can end up in the hazmat bucket! You'd think they would have caught on after the appendix and gall bladder...


Unknown said...

I cannot stop thinking and praying for you! YOU are responsible for re-opening that line of communication. God is working!

Yvette Birlew said...

I'm so glad to hear from you! As much as I know you're praying for me, I'm doing the same for you. He's always working when we let him in. Keep me posted!

Marriott Girl said...

I am not a techy person, i don't text and this is my first blog,
so i hope you rec'd and I am doing this right.
I think about you all the time, and tears appear.
I checked in with Sally's the day after your surgury they said you were doing good, putting on makeup and ready to blog, you are so strong... you inspire me! I need to get in to the Dr. to get exam for myself, I think you will give me strenght to do that, you know in july i turned half a 100! (lol)
I hope to hear an update from you
when do you get to go home?


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