Monday, September 21, 2009

Why I Fight...

Some people will tell you that they're a lover not a fighter. I never was one of those people, and if I said it, it was a lie. Others are geared up to fight for anything at anytime for any reason. As long as they're fighting, it's good. That was me in my 20's usually after an incredible amount of Stoli or Patron, and I do mean an incredible amount. Some say that fighting is never the answer. They don't have sons to raise I'd guess... No matter, I am none of these people.

But, fighting looks different to me these days. First, I do a lot less of it than I used to because I don't like conflict. That said, I'm also not afraid of conflict. But, I prefer to get along and don't let small or petty things stick around in my mind to fester and grow. I've learned to forgive people for mistakes that I would have held on to before. And I've learned to ask for forgiveness when I am wrong. It happens regularly. Now, I'd just rather fight something than someone. That brings us to cancer, and I am ready for this fight.

I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait until Friday. Three days to go...I expected to be anxious, concerned, scared even. I am NONE of those things. Not even close! Instead, I am clear about what's about to happen. My doctors and I are about to throw everything in the arsenal at the mere possibility that a cancer cell or two has managed to remain in my body. FOUR drugs at once. One to attack the cancer cell's DNA, one to mess up its mitosis, one to turn off the HER2 protein that makes it reproduce rapidly, and one to inhibit it being able to create a blood supply. It is time to fight. FINALLY!! 93 days after finding out about this cancer, I finally get to begin the fight! Chemo Round #1 is almost here.

Then I get to fight 8 days later when I go for my buzz cut on the 3rd. I'm actually not only no longer crying about that, I'm looking forward to it as well. I'm not sitting around waiting to lose something, anxious, wondering, hoping. Nope. My hair is supposed to go on our retreat. Now, how can I go off in the woods with Jesus worried that my hair is going to fall out and get anything out of the retreat? Besides, how traumatic would it be for the poor women who have to bunk with me. "Yeah, the retreat was great until one of the ladies in my cabin had all of her hair fall out in the middle of the night. We thought wild animals had been through the place!" That's no good for anyone.

Interestingly enough when I went for my chemo class, I mentioned that I was going to buzz it early. The other 3 women in the room audibly gasped and simultaneously said, "NO!! You don't want to do that! Hang on to it as long as you can!" Why? It's going to go anyway. Now it's just going on my terms. I will NOT sit around captive waiting for this to "happen to me" like a victim. Instead, every yucky thing that has to be done is one step closer to saying bye to cancer and starting the rest of my life. Besides, it's really is just hair. The cancer can't take it from me if I beat it to it.

I also fight with prayer. I have many others praying as well. If you're one of them, Thank you for praying for me. If not, please start now. Here's what I'm praying for: I'm praying that each drug as it flows through my body finds and executes it's task with 100% accuracy and efficacy. I pray for the protection of my heart, prevention of bleeding, and minimal neuropathy. (Those are the most serious possible short & long term side effects.) As for the nausea and vomiting? Child's play in comparison. Besides, I have a 20 year resume and a PhD for that including 2 near fatal bouts of e-coli poisoning. It can't be worse than that because it won't include acute kidney pain.

But all of this is How I Fight. I titled this entry Why I Fight. Why is so much more important than how. So here's why...

I fight for my unbelievably handsome baby who has suddenly become a real boy. He's a boy that told me for the 3rd time in 2 days how much he loves God and why. He's a boy I can help influence to become a man of character. We need men of character in this world! They are an endangered species. There is no more important reason to fight than to see him become that man.

I fight for my entire family, especially my mom and sister who love & need me. Without me, there would be no one in our family to scoop up the "insta-grievers" when things go wrong and hold it together while Dad figures out the logistics of how who gets where. I love my entire family incredibly. Incidentally, I'm also the kid that gets the "If we die on our's where all the papers are" conversation every time Mom and Dad leave town. (I hate that conversation, but am crystal clear on where the papers are by now.)

But even more importantly, I fight for the life God created me to lead. It's a life I spent 18 years running from, only to hurt myself. I have no idea what that's going to look like, where it will take me, or or who's going on the journey with me. But, I know that if I can serve others, share my story, surrender and keep my focus on Him, He will take me there. And, it will be better than I could have ever imagined. Now tell me, how could I not be pumped up to fight?



©2009 80% Sporadic | by TNB