Wednesday, August 19, 2009

When we THINK our strength disappears

Today was a hard day. I wish I had an Outlook calendar for this journey so I could plan the bad days, and look forward to the good ones. It would be so much easier. Instead, the trauma hits you like a hurricane that the news guy never found on the Doppler radar. And, it's always a crisis in faith. It also happens when we think everything is in control and we've surrendered everything. (which for the record never actually is true...) We're just coasting along, God "fully" in control....Surrendered to Him? Check! It's all good. Not worried about the cancer because I have no doubts of complete and total healing. Turned over the baldness yesterday and even decided I would try to make it to the FC Singles Retreat that I got an email about today. Bald, yes, but so what?? I got wigs! If I'm not sick from treatment, I'm going. Doesn't mean I shopping for a man during this period (that'd be a tough sale...), but I am single and I've been dying to see the camp, and He's never been working harder on me. Then it all went wrong...

You see, Satan is so much smarter than we are. He knows where our weaknesses are. He can see the cracks in our faith and when we aren't looking, he plants things in our minds that create doubt, stress, trauma. All things that are so dangerous to living the life God has for us. We only need to crack the door a millimeter, and it's too late. For me that's always money. I know it. He knows it. Almost everyone I know knows it. So, I spent 4 hours of my day crying my eyes out over money I don't even need until spring. The problem isn't getting the medical bills paid for this surgery or keeping my house afloat now. I've been blessed with a great job, great parents and wonderful gifts from church that are making up those differences in my current finances. No problems there at all.

It's the fact that putting me back together, recreating the body I had until 2 weeks ago, one that has all of it's parts, puts me in a whole different % of disability at work. What single Mom can live on 67%?? It's one that will take a miracle to close the gap. So, I spent the day consumed with the belief that if I was ever going to have complete breasts again, I would have to sell my house first because I have quite a bit of equity. The market is great for that!!! (Extreme sarcasm) Just think through that tailspin for a moment....single woman, nippleless until she's homeless, broken never to be fixed or wanted again. That's a doozy of a pity party with a whole box of Kleenex.

IT'S ALSO A LIE! None of that is true. That's the enemy finding his only way into my relationship with God right now and blowing it wide open. He may be smarter than I am, but he's NOT stronger or smarter than my GOD. All it took to survive that attack was to turn my attention back to Him. I will be physically whole again (thanks to an incredible plastic surgeon), I will have either my current home or another one, and I will be wanted again. More than anything, I believe that this experience is mandatory for those things to be true. I will tell a victory story soon enough. Satan stole a few hours from me today, but he did not steal my strength. He can't. You see, Christ lives IN me. I already have the strength of Jesus right inside. The power that has already defeated him lives IN me. It's the remembering and claiming that strength that we forget to do. Thank you, Tracey Barnes for teaching me that over and over and over. It changed my thinking permanently about almost everything. Still tragically human, but with a much quicker recovery.

The other thing wrong with today's thoughts is this: "God never shows up early, and he's never late. He's always right on time." I heard that in a wonderful testimony of a woman of God who's now gone to see him in person. I wish I could remember her name. So, why in the world would I be worried about that now? You know what? I'm not. Tonight I'm just going to hand it over and rest in His mercy and grace.


Unknown said...

oh how I needed to read this right here right now! I started this morning, but time got away, told myself all day, but in the eve as I am expeiriencing nearly this same conflict in me, I turn to your blog and melt. LIG LIG LIG!
Keep on blessing me girl! God is doing a great work in you!

Anonymous said...

Praying for your healing. Mind, body, spirit. So connected! Love your blog girl! Can I post a link for it on my blog site? Hope to see you soon! Let me know if you need ANYTHING from babysitting to groceries, etc! I'd love to help.

Heather Harkins Anderson

Yvette Birlew said...

Link away, Heather! The more people we reach the better. I have this cancer for a reason and I know this is it. I have been put on this earth in this time and situation for this reason.

And to Laura, you're a blessing as well. I'm so glad we met. He never diasappoints...

Triann Benson said...

Great Perspective! I don't think you can escape the occasional pity parties, but being able to reign them in and turn it back into a focus on God is AWESOME!! there a scholarship available for the retreat? A friend of mine just took me to a women's retreat (she secured a scholarship for me, bless her!) and it was EXACTLY what I needed.
Just an idea.
SO glad to have me you!

kitykity said...

Yeap, we already have Christ in our hearts. Kind of like Dumbo not needing a feather to fly. We just have to stop our tail spins and realize the power we need to make it through each day is already planted in our heart by Christ himself.


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