I am figuring out about now that this cancer thing isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. I knew that, but I wasn’t really living it until now. I guess in my mind I thought I would be different. Sure they know how others have reacted to this chemo thing, but I really was beginning to believe that I was going to set some new standard of ability to withstand the poison. Yeah, not true. I always think things like that. Always challenging myself to set some new standard, no matter how ridiculous.
The last two weeks have been long ones. No surprise, I took the new mammogram recommendation hard. It wasn’t just that though. That announcement happened to coincide with other events at work that really threw me for a loop. I spent about a week questioning my value in many arenas. Compound that with the fact that I had my 4th round of chemo 2 days before Thanksgiving, and it wasn’t pretty. So, I have been down for the count a good portion of that time.
The truth is that the greatest difficulty with chemo is the fatigue. I spent all this time worried about throwing up and that hasn’t happened once! They told me that the fatigue was cumulative. I heard them, but I wasn’t really listening. Then, I got through the first two rounds and believed that I wasn’t really going to feel it. I was so wrong! It’s all that I can do to get through the workday. My body aches and the smallest physical activity is exhausting. Just walking from the car to the front door at work makes my legs hurt incredibly. It’s not even far! I’ve done it hundreds of times before without a thought, taking for granted that I had the capability. Well, not anymore. Now the door kind of feels like a desert oasis that keeps inching a little further away with every step when in reality it’s maybe a 150 yards away to begin with. That's crazy and really hard to believe, even when it's happening to me. So when I make it home, it’s all that I can do to prepare for the next day. When Friday comes, I know I will have a couple of days to recover so that I can do it all again.
Another thing that wears on you over time is the bloody nose. It’s one of the things you don’t know or think about until you go through this. Before I had cancer, I never realized that when you lost your hair you lost basically all of it. That includes all of your nose hair. Guess what? You NEED nose hair. It actually serves a really good purpose. You miss it when you don’t have it! I have sinus trouble anyway because of allergies. Now that it’s time to turn on the heater in the house, that gets worse because there’s no humidity. So sinus + heater + chemo = bloody nose at any time. Sitting at my desk with a Kleenex shoved up my nose is a completely normal occurrence now. That, and a compulsive use of hand sanitizer.
For now, I'm just trying to tie a knot and hang on at the end of my rope. Fortunately, I have help. Thank you for all of the prayers and encouraging words. I need every one of them. I have always know that "The Lord is my strength.". But, it means something completely different to me now. I've never thought of it as physical strength. I guess because I've never been physically challenged before. Now I have. And, now I know that it's completely true. I just can't make it any other way.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The Verdict Is In...Lives Expendable
I am in complete disbelief about the new healthcare guidelines issued today for mammograms. It's a hard pill to swallow when you find out that the value placed on your life is less than a few hundred dollars. I was so bothered by today’s news that I did something that I have never done before. I fired off a rather lengthy letter to the editor of Dallas Morning News. Of course, the likelihood if it getting published is slim, but I was overwhelmed with the consequences this decision will have for women all over this country. Mark your calendars. It won’t be on the news, but lives were lost today. I cried for the boys and girls that will lose their mother because she thought she was safe and decided to wait until 50, but never makes it. I cried for the women that will know they need it, but won't be able to pay out of pocket. So, they too will die. If there is one single woman that you know and love, send this to her. Send it to the men you know that have women they love. Send it to everyone you know that needs to hear it. People just don’t know the truth. I didn’t until it happened to me. It might take 2 minutes to read, but I know it will save lives. Here's my story and what I had to say:
From: Birlew, Yvette
Sent: Tuesday, November 17, 2009 03:47 PM
To: 'letterstoeditor@dallasnews.com'
Subject: Expendable Lives
June 29, 2009 I left work early to get a much overdue mammogram. I wasn't worried about it because in my mind I shouldn't even have to be doing it. I wasn't even 40. But my doctor insisted, so I went. It had been over 2 years since I’d had one. (They found some “harmless” calcifications when I had my original baseline at 35.) I went back for a 6 month follow-up a couple of times. Then I made the decision that I didn’t need to go anymore, at least until I was 40.
This trip to the mammogram place was different. I went in at 2:00 and walked out a little after 5:00, 9 films, 2 sonograms, and a probable diagnosis of breast cancer later. I also got an appointment for a biopsy. It was a full afternoon. Since then, nothing has been the same.
One of the most unbelievable parts of it all is this: 80% of all Breast Cancer occurs in Women with NO Family History of the disease. Some quote a higher percentage, some slightly less, but it’s right there around 80%. No mothers, no sisters, no cousins, no grandmothers. They call it sporadic. Now, I am that statistic. Who knew? I think if more women knew that, they'd never miss a mammogram. I certainly wouldn't have. I had heard so much about having a family history or genetic predisposition that it never occurred to me that I was at risk. No one in my family has ever had it, and I do not have either of the BRCA genes. Besides, isn’t that something that happens to women who are older than I am? That’s what I thought. It isn’t always true.
Since this diagnosis I have spoken to many people about breast cancer. Many tell me all about the frequency of their self-exams. It’s very good that women are doing those, but that is not enough. Don’t assume that because you feel nothing that you are okay. I couldn’t feel mine. My OB-GYN couldn’t feel mine. The people at the mammogram place couldn’t feel mine. Not even my breast surgeon could feel mine. Because of its location it was hidden away like a pipe bomb ready to secretly grow, flourish, and one day take my life. We found it with a mammogram. It really is that simple.
I happen to have a type of breast cancer that is so aggressive that my prognosis could have been quite different if it had the time to grow to a size you could feel. Thankfully, that is not the case. Now thanks to a bilateral mastectomy combined with reconstruction, I have a great prognosis. I will live to raise my young son. To be sure, we are waging war with chemo and adjuvant therapy. A year from now, it should be over. My hair will be growing back, my life returning to normal. Then I will join the ranks of the breast cancer survivors. Too many others won’t have the same outcome.
Now to my horror, I find that a government advisory panel has decided that women like me aren’t worth saving. My government believes that my life is expendable and so are all of the other lives of women who are diagnosed under the age of 50. “Statistically speaking” it isn’t worth the cost of the testing. Really? Tell that to my 5 year old son. Explain to other boys and girls like him that the numbers just didn’t work anymore. Let’s let the people on the advisory panel do that job personally. They can look into the eyes of those children and share that news.
They have justified their reasoning with the fact that some women mistakenly thought temporarily that they might have “it” and were distressed by having a biopsy. Have we grown that stupid as a country? Are we completely asleep at the wheel? Are we going to let them use a statement like that to dictate life and death decisions about our healthcare? Shouldn’t the doctors have a say? After all, I owe my life to my OB-GYN. He made me go. He wanted to be sure. I went because I trust him and my insurance paid for it. Today they say that this recommendation won’t affect our insurance coverage. I don’t believe that. Insurance companies are not in the habit of paying for things without encouragement. Soon, they won’t have to pay for these mammograms either.
This disease touches so many lives, and it takes far more than it should. Because of this new guideline many more will die. That will happen with or without changes in our insurance coverage because women will think it’s safe not to go. Some of them made that decision today. They don’t know it, but today some of them decided to die. They feel more confident that it won’t happen to them. The advisory panel said so. It must be true. Besides, it hurts and it’s embarrassing.
No one wants to do it. But, there is only one way to be sure. Get a mammogram. Pick up the phone and make the appointment. Make today the day that you decide to be sure. No one like me thinks it will happen to them, but 80% of the cases are just like me.
Yvette Birlew
Murphy, TX
From: Birlew, Yvette
Sent: Tuesday, November 17, 2009 03:47 PM
To: 'letterstoeditor@dallasnews.com'
Subject: Expendable Lives
June 29, 2009 I left work early to get a much overdue mammogram. I wasn't worried about it because in my mind I shouldn't even have to be doing it. I wasn't even 40. But my doctor insisted, so I went. It had been over 2 years since I’d had one. (They found some “harmless” calcifications when I had my original baseline at 35.) I went back for a 6 month follow-up a couple of times. Then I made the decision that I didn’t need to go anymore, at least until I was 40.
This trip to the mammogram place was different. I went in at 2:00 and walked out a little after 5:00, 9 films, 2 sonograms, and a probable diagnosis of breast cancer later. I also got an appointment for a biopsy. It was a full afternoon. Since then, nothing has been the same.
One of the most unbelievable parts of it all is this: 80% of all Breast Cancer occurs in Women with NO Family History of the disease. Some quote a higher percentage, some slightly less, but it’s right there around 80%. No mothers, no sisters, no cousins, no grandmothers. They call it sporadic. Now, I am that statistic. Who knew? I think if more women knew that, they'd never miss a mammogram. I certainly wouldn't have. I had heard so much about having a family history or genetic predisposition that it never occurred to me that I was at risk. No one in my family has ever had it, and I do not have either of the BRCA genes. Besides, isn’t that something that happens to women who are older than I am? That’s what I thought. It isn’t always true.
Since this diagnosis I have spoken to many people about breast cancer. Many tell me all about the frequency of their self-exams. It’s very good that women are doing those, but that is not enough. Don’t assume that because you feel nothing that you are okay. I couldn’t feel mine. My OB-GYN couldn’t feel mine. The people at the mammogram place couldn’t feel mine. Not even my breast surgeon could feel mine. Because of its location it was hidden away like a pipe bomb ready to secretly grow, flourish, and one day take my life. We found it with a mammogram. It really is that simple.
I happen to have a type of breast cancer that is so aggressive that my prognosis could have been quite different if it had the time to grow to a size you could feel. Thankfully, that is not the case. Now thanks to a bilateral mastectomy combined with reconstruction, I have a great prognosis. I will live to raise my young son. To be sure, we are waging war with chemo and adjuvant therapy. A year from now, it should be over. My hair will be growing back, my life returning to normal. Then I will join the ranks of the breast cancer survivors. Too many others won’t have the same outcome.
Now to my horror, I find that a government advisory panel has decided that women like me aren’t worth saving. My government believes that my life is expendable and so are all of the other lives of women who are diagnosed under the age of 50. “Statistically speaking” it isn’t worth the cost of the testing. Really? Tell that to my 5 year old son. Explain to other boys and girls like him that the numbers just didn’t work anymore. Let’s let the people on the advisory panel do that job personally. They can look into the eyes of those children and share that news.
They have justified their reasoning with the fact that some women mistakenly thought temporarily that they might have “it” and were distressed by having a biopsy. Have we grown that stupid as a country? Are we completely asleep at the wheel? Are we going to let them use a statement like that to dictate life and death decisions about our healthcare? Shouldn’t the doctors have a say? After all, I owe my life to my OB-GYN. He made me go. He wanted to be sure. I went because I trust him and my insurance paid for it. Today they say that this recommendation won’t affect our insurance coverage. I don’t believe that. Insurance companies are not in the habit of paying for things without encouragement. Soon, they won’t have to pay for these mammograms either.
This disease touches so many lives, and it takes far more than it should. Because of this new guideline many more will die. That will happen with or without changes in our insurance coverage because women will think it’s safe not to go. Some of them made that decision today. They don’t know it, but today some of them decided to die. They feel more confident that it won’t happen to them. The advisory panel said so. It must be true. Besides, it hurts and it’s embarrassing.
No one wants to do it. But, there is only one way to be sure. Get a mammogram. Pick up the phone and make the appointment. Make today the day that you decide to be sure. No one like me thinks it will happen to them, but 80% of the cases are just like me.
Yvette Birlew
Murphy, TX
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Confident Assurance
What a tough week! Did you know that if you have chemo on a Friday and get exposed to Strep you can get pretty sick? I've spent almost the entire last week in bed. I missed 4.5 days of work. That's enough to be a vacation if I hadn't spent it in bed, missed the top secret unveiling of our year long project at work, and had to skip out on our President's Awards Banquet Weekend. So, the price of being sick was missing out on a bunch of things that I had been looking forward to. But, that's OK because everything happens for a reason. I have faith in that.
Friday when I woke up I flipped my "365 Days of Wisdom for Moms" calendar to Friday, November 13th and landed on this, "Faith is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen." That's Hebrews 11:1, if you're wondering... It got me thinking. How wonderful is that?? Confident assurance... I love that and I have faith in SO many things. So, I've decided to share a few of those...big and small.
One of the small ones is that I have faith that eventually my son will learn to flush the toilet. For now it's like living with a potty-trained cat. He just leaves "presents" in every toilet in the house. Why is that hard???? How do you lose focus between finishing your business and reaching for the handle?? We talk about it all of the time. It's not doing any good yet. But, I have faith that eventually it will.
I also have faith that eventually he will color. This distresses Mom. She's trying to spark the interest so he's not behind in "coloring in the lines" when he goes to school. I'm not worried about that. Turns out both Michelle and I can color in the lines with very little effort. So, she's got a 100% track record. I have faith that she will succeed again. Thanks for taking care of that, Mom.
Then there's the big ones...One of the BIG ones is that I have faith in is the life changing power of scripture. This is SO key to having peace in my life. Without it, I would never have any. My nature is so negative. People that knew me years ago could tell you that. I always had a lot to say, but it was not about building people up. I was usually complaining about something or someone. But, it doesn't have to be that way. And, I don't live that way anymore. No matter what the problem, there's a scripture for that. So, God has something to say about just about EVERYTHING. And, if we just take the time to remember that, we can have what we need to get through it. So, here's just two of my favorites and why they matter to me.
I've already shared this one, Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." That' s one of my favorite scriptures because I have faced many things that would have seemed unbearable or would have broken me for good if I didn't have faith in the fact that I just can't see His plan. Those blueprints aren't made for human eyes.
It's like those pictures that we've all seen where you think you're looking at a picture of something, but it's actually a giant collage of thousands of little pictures of other seemingly unrelated things that have been selected for the color that they add to build the bigger one. I think of God's plan as a cosmic-sized collage where each of us lives in just one of those pictures. We're never going to know in this life the extent of how our lives have affected others for good or for bad or exactly how He's used that. We get glimpses of it, but not full knowledge.
So, good and bad things are working together for our good in our little picture. Please understand I'm not saying that God is responsible for the bad things that happen to us. I'm not saying that. I have, however, seen him use bad things that have already happened to me for good. This cancer is one of them. Some days I see the bad. But, most days I can take a step back and see how much of a blessing it has been. And I certainly don't blame God for my stupid cancer. I just know that he's got the blueprints, I'm not in charge, and it will all be used for good as long as I'm focused on His purpose for my life. That's confident assurance.
Another one is 1 Corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." This one has been so important to me for so many things. It had helped me through throwing off more than one bad habit, behavior, or vice. I love this one for many many reasons.
One is the realization that our temptations aren't anything that isn't common to man. Turns out we're NOT special in this regard. TONS of other people have been there. So whatever we battle, we need to get it out of our heads that our situation is more difficult than other people's. It's just not. "But you just don't understand...mine's different..." NO, it isn't! Says so right here in the Bible. That's a cop-out! Now, that's a little tough love/slap in the face. That part took me a little while to digest. If you're the same, just attack it one little bite at a time. But, once we "get" that, the message gets SO much better.
The next three words I camp on and know to be so true. God is faithful. That means that no matter what, He's going to be there. Faithful to the best of God's ability, not the human version of faithful. Since He's perfect, so is his faithfulness. There's never going to be a time when he won't be. If you think about that for a while, it is AMAZING. It means no doubt on this point, period. God is faithful.
Add to that... He won't let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. It may seem like it to you now, but once you focus on the fact that your temptations aren't special and you completely get his faithfulness, it changes. It becomes pretty easy to see that you CAN bear it with His ever-faithful help. Then, it's just a matter of looking for the escape hatch. Because it also tells us that he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. How cool is that?!? Not special, always faithful, not more than you can handle, always a way out. He's going to give us an option that doesn't involve choosing poorly or toughing it out on our own.
So, how to execute that one in a bad situation? It's like being a situational-spiritual MacGyver. I say MacGyver because you're going to have to work fast in most of these situations to get out without making the wrong decision out of reflex. And, not succeeding can have dire consequences. So, here's the steps:
Friday when I woke up I flipped my "365 Days of Wisdom for Moms" calendar to Friday, November 13th and landed on this, "Faith is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen." That's Hebrews 11:1, if you're wondering... It got me thinking. How wonderful is that?? Confident assurance... I love that and I have faith in SO many things. So, I've decided to share a few of those...big and small.
One of the small ones is that I have faith that eventually my son will learn to flush the toilet. For now it's like living with a potty-trained cat. He just leaves "presents" in every toilet in the house. Why is that hard???? How do you lose focus between finishing your business and reaching for the handle?? We talk about it all of the time. It's not doing any good yet. But, I have faith that eventually it will.
I also have faith that eventually he will color. This distresses Mom. She's trying to spark the interest so he's not behind in "coloring in the lines" when he goes to school. I'm not worried about that. Turns out both Michelle and I can color in the lines with very little effort. So, she's got a 100% track record. I have faith that she will succeed again. Thanks for taking care of that, Mom.
Then there's the big ones...One of the BIG ones is that I have faith in is the life changing power of scripture. This is SO key to having peace in my life. Without it, I would never have any. My nature is so negative. People that knew me years ago could tell you that. I always had a lot to say, but it was not about building people up. I was usually complaining about something or someone. But, it doesn't have to be that way. And, I don't live that way anymore. No matter what the problem, there's a scripture for that. So, God has something to say about just about EVERYTHING. And, if we just take the time to remember that, we can have what we need to get through it. So, here's just two of my favorites and why they matter to me.
I've already shared this one, Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." That' s one of my favorite scriptures because I have faced many things that would have seemed unbearable or would have broken me for good if I didn't have faith in the fact that I just can't see His plan. Those blueprints aren't made for human eyes.
It's like those pictures that we've all seen where you think you're looking at a picture of something, but it's actually a giant collage of thousands of little pictures of other seemingly unrelated things that have been selected for the color that they add to build the bigger one. I think of God's plan as a cosmic-sized collage where each of us lives in just one of those pictures. We're never going to know in this life the extent of how our lives have affected others for good or for bad or exactly how He's used that. We get glimpses of it, but not full knowledge.
So, good and bad things are working together for our good in our little picture. Please understand I'm not saying that God is responsible for the bad things that happen to us. I'm not saying that. I have, however, seen him use bad things that have already happened to me for good. This cancer is one of them. Some days I see the bad. But, most days I can take a step back and see how much of a blessing it has been. And I certainly don't blame God for my stupid cancer. I just know that he's got the blueprints, I'm not in charge, and it will all be used for good as long as I'm focused on His purpose for my life. That's confident assurance.
Another one is 1 Corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." This one has been so important to me for so many things. It had helped me through throwing off more than one bad habit, behavior, or vice. I love this one for many many reasons.
One is the realization that our temptations aren't anything that isn't common to man. Turns out we're NOT special in this regard. TONS of other people have been there. So whatever we battle, we need to get it out of our heads that our situation is more difficult than other people's. It's just not. "But you just don't understand...mine's different..." NO, it isn't! Says so right here in the Bible. That's a cop-out! Now, that's a little tough love/slap in the face. That part took me a little while to digest. If you're the same, just attack it one little bite at a time. But, once we "get" that, the message gets SO much better.
The next three words I camp on and know to be so true. God is faithful. That means that no matter what, He's going to be there. Faithful to the best of God's ability, not the human version of faithful. Since He's perfect, so is his faithfulness. There's never going to be a time when he won't be. If you think about that for a while, it is AMAZING. It means no doubt on this point, period. God is faithful.
Add to that... He won't let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. It may seem like it to you now, but once you focus on the fact that your temptations aren't special and you completely get his faithfulness, it changes. It becomes pretty easy to see that you CAN bear it with His ever-faithful help. Then, it's just a matter of looking for the escape hatch. Because it also tells us that he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. How cool is that?!? Not special, always faithful, not more than you can handle, always a way out. He's going to give us an option that doesn't involve choosing poorly or toughing it out on our own.
So, how to execute that one in a bad situation? It's like being a situational-spiritual MacGyver. I say MacGyver because you're going to have to work fast in most of these situations to get out without making the wrong decision out of reflex. And, not succeeding can have dire consequences. So, here's the steps:
- Quickly take in the situation and remember what you know. No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.
- Be confident in your ever-present help. God is FAITHFUL, and this is NOT more than I can bear.
- Then look for the escape hatch. He's promised us one. If you don't see it immediately, pray for it. For me that usually sounded like this, "I need you to show me the way out because right now ____________ is looking like a good idea and I know that you have an escape plan for me. Show me the hatch!"
Once you have a couple successful experiences like that, you'll have confident assurance in that as well. That's not to say that my track record has always been perfect. It's a battle after all. In the beginning I lost more than I won. But using this focus and verse over time has given me the eye for the escape hatch every time. In fact, a bunch of things that I used to be tempted by aren't even a passing thought for me now. And the funny thing is that now I can see how even those experiences are being used for my good. Thank you, Jesus for always meeting me where I am and bringing what only you know I need with you. That's truly my greatest confident assurance.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Halftime
Well, I celebrated my 40th birthday yesterday. It was not what I expected it to be this summer when I was planning to have a 40th girls weekend somewhere. That was before the whole cancer mess. It's funny how we plan things and they never seem to turn out like we thought. I have waited with anticipation for things that were quite the letdown. And, I have had an enjoyable experience at more than one thing I wasn't looking forward to attending. Besides, we're going to have that weekend at a later date, and we'll have much more to celebrate than just a birthday.
I did have a wonderful dinner with some great ladies on Wednesday night to celebrate. What a delightful surprise it was to see friends that I haven't seen in ages and enjoy a fabulous meal. I even got to go to the Stars game this weekend. Then, we had a wonderful birthday lunch yesterday with the family. So, as far as birthdays go, it was a good one by any standard...with a little chemo thrown in for giggles.
You just never know what's around the corner. And as much as that sounds scary, it's also what makes life great. So, Sunday was my birthday, but Friday was the event. Friday I had my third round of chemo. I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by. I'm halfway there! Of course there's a bunch more other treatments and another surgery to follow, but for the hardest part, it's halftime.
Time to regroup, get ready, and prepare for the second half. Things have gone pretty well so far. I tolerated the first three rounds much better than I thought I would. I haven't been sick once. So, the drugs that they have given me for the nausea are everything they promised they would be. For that I am SO thankful. I have also gotten a grip on the awful hormonal changes that were plaguing me.
I still have broken ovaries, but I'm not half insane with the trauma like I was before. I spoke with my doctor about it and there's no reason to think that I don't have a fair chance of things returning to normal once the chemo is over. So like my birthday, why would I be planning for a lifetime of something I can't predict? Thanks to all of you who've called or written because you were worried about me after my last post. And for all of the prayers, I am so thankful.
I was not dealing well and I know some of you were worried about me. I really meant to get back on here and post what was going on, but just haven't been able. I have been consumed with things at work and just too beat when I get home to get on the computer. The one thing that I hadn't quite anticipated was the exhaustion. They warned me about it and told me that it would be cumulative. They were right.
I went to get my Neulasta shot today before work. I was already tired before I even got out of bed, but I wasn't feeling too bad. So, I went in for my shot and then went on to work. I've been taking the Advil in the hopes of not having the terrible side effects that I did last time. We will see...So, the full effect of it all remains to be seen. Even so, I didn't make it through work today. I had to come home early and crawl into bed. It was just too much. I'm trying to not push myself, but I do. I don't really know how to do anything else. I wasn't expecting that I wouldn't make it, even though that's what they told me would happen. I always think that I can do more, like I'm proving something...
Anyway, Friday I decided to write down all of the medications that I was getting. See, it's not just the chemo. I actually get 2 chemos and 2 additional "designer" cancer drugs. But before that, they have to give you all of the other drugs that make it possible for you to tolerate those. There's 5 of those. Now, that doesn't count the ones that I have to take everyday anyway. There's 3 of those...plus the pre-chemo steroids, and the ones that you take afterwards to control the nausea and to sleep since the "roids" make that nearly impossible. The human body is quite the creation. It's amazing what we can withstand. I figured out that the number was 16. Sixteen drugs. No exaggeration. Good things that's only once every three weeks.
So, I guess I should cut myself some slack for missing a couple hours of work. It's bound to happen. And with a drug load like that, how could my body NOT have fatigue? That's the part that I am having to learn to live with. So if I don't return a phone call or forget to email you back, please forgive me. I literally just don't have the energy to remember. But I haven't forgotten that this is all temporary. I haven't forgotten that I am blessed, loved and forgiven. And, I'm trying to remember that I am human. So, I won't always have what it takes to push through. I am, however, gearing up for the second half. Because with support of my family, the prayers of my friends, and the grace of God I will make it through victoriously. I am counting on it, and I'm halfway there.
I did have a wonderful dinner with some great ladies on Wednesday night to celebrate. What a delightful surprise it was to see friends that I haven't seen in ages and enjoy a fabulous meal. I even got to go to the Stars game this weekend. Then, we had a wonderful birthday lunch yesterday with the family. So, as far as birthdays go, it was a good one by any standard...with a little chemo thrown in for giggles.
You just never know what's around the corner. And as much as that sounds scary, it's also what makes life great. So, Sunday was my birthday, but Friday was the event. Friday I had my third round of chemo. I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by. I'm halfway there! Of course there's a bunch more other treatments and another surgery to follow, but for the hardest part, it's halftime.
Time to regroup, get ready, and prepare for the second half. Things have gone pretty well so far. I tolerated the first three rounds much better than I thought I would. I haven't been sick once. So, the drugs that they have given me for the nausea are everything they promised they would be. For that I am SO thankful. I have also gotten a grip on the awful hormonal changes that were plaguing me.
I still have broken ovaries, but I'm not half insane with the trauma like I was before. I spoke with my doctor about it and there's no reason to think that I don't have a fair chance of things returning to normal once the chemo is over. So like my birthday, why would I be planning for a lifetime of something I can't predict? Thanks to all of you who've called or written because you were worried about me after my last post. And for all of the prayers, I am so thankful.
I was not dealing well and I know some of you were worried about me. I really meant to get back on here and post what was going on, but just haven't been able. I have been consumed with things at work and just too beat when I get home to get on the computer. The one thing that I hadn't quite anticipated was the exhaustion. They warned me about it and told me that it would be cumulative. They were right.
I went to get my Neulasta shot today before work. I was already tired before I even got out of bed, but I wasn't feeling too bad. So, I went in for my shot and then went on to work. I've been taking the Advil in the hopes of not having the terrible side effects that I did last time. We will see...So, the full effect of it all remains to be seen. Even so, I didn't make it through work today. I had to come home early and crawl into bed. It was just too much. I'm trying to not push myself, but I do. I don't really know how to do anything else. I wasn't expecting that I wouldn't make it, even though that's what they told me would happen. I always think that I can do more, like I'm proving something...
Anyway, Friday I decided to write down all of the medications that I was getting. See, it's not just the chemo. I actually get 2 chemos and 2 additional "designer" cancer drugs. But before that, they have to give you all of the other drugs that make it possible for you to tolerate those. There's 5 of those. Now, that doesn't count the ones that I have to take everyday anyway. There's 3 of those...plus the pre-chemo steroids, and the ones that you take afterwards to control the nausea and to sleep since the "roids" make that nearly impossible. The human body is quite the creation. It's amazing what we can withstand. I figured out that the number was 16. Sixteen drugs. No exaggeration. Good things that's only once every three weeks.
So, I guess I should cut myself some slack for missing a couple hours of work. It's bound to happen. And with a drug load like that, how could my body NOT have fatigue? That's the part that I am having to learn to live with. So if I don't return a phone call or forget to email you back, please forgive me. I literally just don't have the energy to remember. But I haven't forgotten that this is all temporary. I haven't forgotten that I am blessed, loved and forgiven. And, I'm trying to remember that I am human. So, I won't always have what it takes to push through. I am, however, gearing up for the second half. Because with support of my family, the prayers of my friends, and the grace of God I will make it through victoriously. I am counting on it, and I'm halfway there.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
My Breaking Point
It's been well over a week since I have even attempted to write about my experience. This past week has been much too hard to handle. I'm not myself, and nothing seems OK. I haven't attempted to put this into words because there aren't any that seem to fit. I can't pull the emotions together well enough to express it. Even so, I'm going to try.
Here's the thing, everyone has a breaking point. No matter how much you can handle, there's a point at which you just can't take any more. It's that point when you simply fall apart like shattered glass into what seems like thousands of tiny shards. I really didn't see this coming, but do you ever? The hardest blows I've taken in my life have all been a surprise, coming when I least expected it.
I handled this diagnosis quite well. I made the tough decision for my surgery in actual minutes without reservation, never looking back. I finally got a grip on the hair thing and now pick out my hair each day like an outfit. That's the hard part, right? Those things are the big ones. Or so I thought...
But this week I ran into a new wrinkle that has me completely undone. It seems that I have developed "chemo-pause". This lovely condition throws your body into all of the symptoms and realities of menopause regardless of your age. The chemo kills cancer, your white blood cells, your hair, and to add insult to injury, your ovaries. At 39 (for exactly 1 more week) that just seems impossible and unthinkable. Yet, for an entire week I've been waiting, hoping against hope that I would just start my stupid period like some teenage girl in "trouble" that just can't believe this is happening to her.
I spent Monday and Tuesday in a fog of tears. All I could think about was getting done with work so that I could be alone to fall apart. I didn't make it. So, I cried silently at my desk for most of both days. I still hadn't accepted that this is what was going on, even as I fought the stupid hot flashes. I even caught myself pressing my arms against my chest subconsciously looking for the tell-tale sensitivity that so often accompanies that time of the month. Why would I do that?? I don't even have my real boobs anymore. Even if I did have my period on the way it wouldn't affect my chest. That moment was devastating. It was the moment when I no longer felt like a woman at all.
Months of physical change collided with my definition of what it means to be a woman. And suddenly, I was an imposter. I guess I'll have to redefine that definition one of these days. So, here I sat with my 1/2 constructed boobs wearing a wig because I have no hair, a mouth full of sores so sensitive that I could barely talk, and a constantly running and bloodied nose. The combination was overwhelming. I was truly devastated. And then I got mad, really mad. For the first time in my life, I was mad at God. By the way, it's OK to get mad at Him sometimes. Turns out, He can handle it. And believe me, we've discussed it! It's not like He doesn't know anyway.
When you reach those moments in life, you really have only one choice. You can turn to Him, or away from Him. That's actually not a choice at all. But, so many people choose poorly when faced with that situation. I knew I wouldn't be one of them. But, I also knew that I needed help. So, I picked up the phone and asked for it. I called a couple of friends and told them what was going on between sobs and asked for prayer. I asked them to ask other people to pray as well. There is incredible power in the intercessory prayers of others. We have to pray for each other! By Thursday, the prayers were working. Thank you, thank you, thank you if you have prayed for me. If not, please do. I still desperately need it.
I'd love to say that I'm completely better now. But, that's just not true. Instead, I'm lost in the numbers again. 60% of the time this condition is permanent in women my age. 6 out of 10...I don't like that statistic. I can't tell you why it matters to me as much as it does when the other things haven't seemed to. I think it's cumulative like the chemo. None of these things individually is too much, but the combination packs quite the punch. So, I am praying for things to get better. I'm praying for understanding and the strength to get through. And I'm praying that there are better days ahead because these days are nearly unbearable.
Here's the thing, everyone has a breaking point. No matter how much you can handle, there's a point at which you just can't take any more. It's that point when you simply fall apart like shattered glass into what seems like thousands of tiny shards. I really didn't see this coming, but do you ever? The hardest blows I've taken in my life have all been a surprise, coming when I least expected it.
I handled this diagnosis quite well. I made the tough decision for my surgery in actual minutes without reservation, never looking back. I finally got a grip on the hair thing and now pick out my hair each day like an outfit. That's the hard part, right? Those things are the big ones. Or so I thought...
But this week I ran into a new wrinkle that has me completely undone. It seems that I have developed "chemo-pause". This lovely condition throws your body into all of the symptoms and realities of menopause regardless of your age. The chemo kills cancer, your white blood cells, your hair, and to add insult to injury, your ovaries. At 39 (for exactly 1 more week) that just seems impossible and unthinkable. Yet, for an entire week I've been waiting, hoping against hope that I would just start my stupid period like some teenage girl in "trouble" that just can't believe this is happening to her.
I spent Monday and Tuesday in a fog of tears. All I could think about was getting done with work so that I could be alone to fall apart. I didn't make it. So, I cried silently at my desk for most of both days. I still hadn't accepted that this is what was going on, even as I fought the stupid hot flashes. I even caught myself pressing my arms against my chest subconsciously looking for the tell-tale sensitivity that so often accompanies that time of the month. Why would I do that?? I don't even have my real boobs anymore. Even if I did have my period on the way it wouldn't affect my chest. That moment was devastating. It was the moment when I no longer felt like a woman at all.
Months of physical change collided with my definition of what it means to be a woman. And suddenly, I was an imposter. I guess I'll have to redefine that definition one of these days. So, here I sat with my 1/2 constructed boobs wearing a wig because I have no hair, a mouth full of sores so sensitive that I could barely talk, and a constantly running and bloodied nose. The combination was overwhelming. I was truly devastated. And then I got mad, really mad. For the first time in my life, I was mad at God. By the way, it's OK to get mad at Him sometimes. Turns out, He can handle it. And believe me, we've discussed it! It's not like He doesn't know anyway.
When you reach those moments in life, you really have only one choice. You can turn to Him, or away from Him. That's actually not a choice at all. But, so many people choose poorly when faced with that situation. I knew I wouldn't be one of them. But, I also knew that I needed help. So, I picked up the phone and asked for it. I called a couple of friends and told them what was going on between sobs and asked for prayer. I asked them to ask other people to pray as well. There is incredible power in the intercessory prayers of others. We have to pray for each other! By Thursday, the prayers were working. Thank you, thank you, thank you if you have prayed for me. If not, please do. I still desperately need it.
I'd love to say that I'm completely better now. But, that's just not true. Instead, I'm lost in the numbers again. 60% of the time this condition is permanent in women my age. 6 out of 10...I don't like that statistic. I can't tell you why it matters to me as much as it does when the other things haven't seemed to. I think it's cumulative like the chemo. None of these things individually is too much, but the combination packs quite the punch. So, I am praying for things to get better. I'm praying for understanding and the strength to get through. And I'm praying that there are better days ahead because these days are nearly unbearable.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Tips from the Trenches
I spend quite a bit of time on this blog talking about how the experience of cancer feels, what the emotional impact has been, and how it has influenced my life spiritually. All of those things are really important, but there are also just the plain, practical things that can help other people who are going through this just behind me, with me, or might have to deal with it in the future. This post is about those things.
Some of the best advice I ever got about breast cancer came from a wonderful woman that I have never met in person, but feel like I know because I got the idea for this blog from hers. A friend of hers that goes to my church sent me the link to her blog, and I read every word she ever typed about her really tough trip through this nasty disease. Today, I am happy to report that she is a survivor. Having the insight and guidance that she provided me was priceless. Thank you so much, Sheri! Her advice to me was this, "Don't get cancer." Unfortunately, it was too late for me on that one, but it did make me laugh.
The other piece of advice that she had for me was about the Neulasta (white count booster) shots. You see, chemo kills all of your fast splitting cells. Cancer cells are fast splitting so that's why it works on them. Well, so are your white blood cells and other things like you hair. Since it can't discriminate between good and bad cells, it kills all kinds. So, many times either because your count drops too low or as a preventative measure, you have to get these shots to boost your body's production of white blood cells. Since these cells are created in your bone marrow, a common side effect of the shot is bone pain. Take it from me, you DON'T want this. I spent my week this week dealing with it. Sheri struggled with this as well. He advice to me was to get pain medicine and take it BEFORE I had the shot.
That is GREAT advice. Here's my two cents to add to that. You don't necessarily need pain meds from your doctor. Advil did the job for me after the first round. I just didn't know it until I failed to do the same this time around. I had taken Advil every 6 hours for a full 2 days before the first shot for cramps. So, I was unknowingly treating myself for the shot 2 full days before I got the shot and 2 days after. Since I had no pain from it, I just thought I was having no effects. So, this time I didn't "pre-treat". The result was a very hard week that cost me a day of work and required prescription meds. Next time, I will begin taking the Advil 2 days before and through the day after like I accidentally did the first time. Then, I have the prescription only if I need it. I'm not going through that again. So, don't follow suit. Thank you, Sheri for the advice because I wouldn't have know why there was a difference without it.
One of the other things that made such a difference for me was something that Mom and I figured out all by ourselves the first week after surgery. When you have this surgery one of the most inconvenient things that you have to deal with right away is the stinkin' drains. These things are a complete nuisance, to put it nicely. So, you're cut up, medicated on opiates, and have 4 tubes with bulbs on the end of them hanging out of your body. Not fun. Then, they tell you to pin these things to your pj bottoms. You don't want them pinned to your shirt because they're gross, so you go ahead and pin them to your bottoms. And that's all just fine...until you have to pee.
So, since you're operating at a diminished capacity (reads: drugged out of your mind on narcotics), you forget that they are pinned to your pj's and tug away at them by mistake when attempting to get the pj's down. Ouch! Now on the off chance that you remember to unpin them, then what? How do you do anything else when you're holding 4 drains?? You can't just let them hang, so now what? Your hands are full, you're still fully dressed, and desperately need to pee! Plus, you're still drugged on the narcotics so your problem solving capacity is COMPLETELY absent.
The solution is simple, really. Bring a 1.5" wide satin ribbon to the hospital with you. Make sure it's long enough to go around your waist and tie in a bow. Each of these drains has a plastic loop attached. If you string the bulbs on a ribbon and tie it around your waist, they stay put, are out of sight, and don't interfere with peeing while on heavy drugs. The drains are secured and completely independent of your clothing. PRICELESS advice I assure you...
Then finally, whatever you fear most, face it and become a boy scout. What I mean by that is "Always be prepared." Any of you who have been following my journey know that for me this was the hair thing. If you are like me and worried about the hair thing, here's what I've learned about that.
First, you don't need to buy human hair. You might think you want it, but you probably don't. For me, this was decided as soon as I saw the CSI Miami where the lady got busted for murder because her human hair extensions had been cut off a cadaver and had microscopic mites as a result. With my bug phobia, even the mere mention of the possibility was more than I could handle. Besides, you just won't believe what the quality synthetic hair looks like these days. And real human hair has to be styled. If it rains, it falls and frizzes. Synthetic doesn't. It looks great no matter what and is so real that you just can't tell the difference.
A quality human hair wig will cost you more than $500-$800 for starters. A quality synthetic one retails for between $150 and $300. But, if you find what you want and go to http://www.joshua24.com/ to get it, you can cut that to $75-$150 for the EXACT same wigs. Then, you can get it cut by a professional stylist to make any alterations.
I have one that I paid retail price for at the cancer salon. The service that I received and the support they offered me was MORE than worth the investment. But, for my other looks, it just made sense to shop. So, I ordered those from the site above. Here's the funny part. I now have the hair I've always wanted. It not only looks real, but healthy, shiny, and there's no grey hair or roots to color. I also have 3 different looks that I can interchangeably wear. Plus, I get to do my hair the night before and pop it on just before leaving the house.
Now I've even got the brows and eyelashes covered. I still have all of my eyelashes, but have lost 1/2 of my brows. So, I am already using a brow kit that I received at my Look Good, Feel Better class. The key to looking natural here is that it is not a pencil, but a powder (like eyeshadow) applied with a specially designed brush, It also has a pomade sealer. You can't tell the difference! Although I've never used BeautiControl before, I totally recommend their brow kit. They have that down! And when the lashes go, I have those as well. I found some that look just like my real ones and black glue, too. So even that doesn't have to be a big deal. As long as I can get them on...Stay tuned for that report.
I guess that's enough for one post. I hope that these things are able to help other women that have joined this "club" against their will like the rest of us. There are SO many of us, and we have to help each other through. The good news is that we can. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You to all of those women who have helped me, most of which I have never met in person. I couldn't have made it this far without the things that each of you have taught me.
Some of the best advice I ever got about breast cancer came from a wonderful woman that I have never met in person, but feel like I know because I got the idea for this blog from hers. A friend of hers that goes to my church sent me the link to her blog, and I read every word she ever typed about her really tough trip through this nasty disease. Today, I am happy to report that she is a survivor. Having the insight and guidance that she provided me was priceless. Thank you so much, Sheri! Her advice to me was this, "Don't get cancer." Unfortunately, it was too late for me on that one, but it did make me laugh.
The other piece of advice that she had for me was about the Neulasta (white count booster) shots. You see, chemo kills all of your fast splitting cells. Cancer cells are fast splitting so that's why it works on them. Well, so are your white blood cells and other things like you hair. Since it can't discriminate between good and bad cells, it kills all kinds. So, many times either because your count drops too low or as a preventative measure, you have to get these shots to boost your body's production of white blood cells. Since these cells are created in your bone marrow, a common side effect of the shot is bone pain. Take it from me, you DON'T want this. I spent my week this week dealing with it. Sheri struggled with this as well. He advice to me was to get pain medicine and take it BEFORE I had the shot.
That is GREAT advice. Here's my two cents to add to that. You don't necessarily need pain meds from your doctor. Advil did the job for me after the first round. I just didn't know it until I failed to do the same this time around. I had taken Advil every 6 hours for a full 2 days before the first shot for cramps. So, I was unknowingly treating myself for the shot 2 full days before I got the shot and 2 days after. Since I had no pain from it, I just thought I was having no effects. So, this time I didn't "pre-treat". The result was a very hard week that cost me a day of work and required prescription meds. Next time, I will begin taking the Advil 2 days before and through the day after like I accidentally did the first time. Then, I have the prescription only if I need it. I'm not going through that again. So, don't follow suit. Thank you, Sheri for the advice because I wouldn't have know why there was a difference without it.
One of the other things that made such a difference for me was something that Mom and I figured out all by ourselves the first week after surgery. When you have this surgery one of the most inconvenient things that you have to deal with right away is the stinkin' drains. These things are a complete nuisance, to put it nicely. So, you're cut up, medicated on opiates, and have 4 tubes with bulbs on the end of them hanging out of your body. Not fun. Then, they tell you to pin these things to your pj bottoms. You don't want them pinned to your shirt because they're gross, so you go ahead and pin them to your bottoms. And that's all just fine...until you have to pee.
So, since you're operating at a diminished capacity (reads: drugged out of your mind on narcotics), you forget that they are pinned to your pj's and tug away at them by mistake when attempting to get the pj's down. Ouch! Now on the off chance that you remember to unpin them, then what? How do you do anything else when you're holding 4 drains?? You can't just let them hang, so now what? Your hands are full, you're still fully dressed, and desperately need to pee! Plus, you're still drugged on the narcotics so your problem solving capacity is COMPLETELY absent.
The solution is simple, really. Bring a 1.5" wide satin ribbon to the hospital with you. Make sure it's long enough to go around your waist and tie in a bow. Each of these drains has a plastic loop attached. If you string the bulbs on a ribbon and tie it around your waist, they stay put, are out of sight, and don't interfere with peeing while on heavy drugs. The drains are secured and completely independent of your clothing. PRICELESS advice I assure you...
Then finally, whatever you fear most, face it and become a boy scout. What I mean by that is "Always be prepared." Any of you who have been following my journey know that for me this was the hair thing. If you are like me and worried about the hair thing, here's what I've learned about that.
First, you don't need to buy human hair. You might think you want it, but you probably don't. For me, this was decided as soon as I saw the CSI Miami where the lady got busted for murder because her human hair extensions had been cut off a cadaver and had microscopic mites as a result. With my bug phobia, even the mere mention of the possibility was more than I could handle. Besides, you just won't believe what the quality synthetic hair looks like these days. And real human hair has to be styled. If it rains, it falls and frizzes. Synthetic doesn't. It looks great no matter what and is so real that you just can't tell the difference.
A quality human hair wig will cost you more than $500-$800 for starters. A quality synthetic one retails for between $150 and $300. But, if you find what you want and go to http://www.joshua24.com/ to get it, you can cut that to $75-$150 for the EXACT same wigs. Then, you can get it cut by a professional stylist to make any alterations.
I have one that I paid retail price for at the cancer salon. The service that I received and the support they offered me was MORE than worth the investment. But, for my other looks, it just made sense to shop. So, I ordered those from the site above. Here's the funny part. I now have the hair I've always wanted. It not only looks real, but healthy, shiny, and there's no grey hair or roots to color. I also have 3 different looks that I can interchangeably wear. Plus, I get to do my hair the night before and pop it on just before leaving the house.
Now I've even got the brows and eyelashes covered. I still have all of my eyelashes, but have lost 1/2 of my brows. So, I am already using a brow kit that I received at my Look Good, Feel Better class. The key to looking natural here is that it is not a pencil, but a powder (like eyeshadow) applied with a specially designed brush, It also has a pomade sealer. You can't tell the difference! Although I've never used BeautiControl before, I totally recommend their brow kit. They have that down! And when the lashes go, I have those as well. I found some that look just like my real ones and black glue, too. So even that doesn't have to be a big deal. As long as I can get them on...Stay tuned for that report.
I guess that's enough for one post. I hope that these things are able to help other women that have joined this "club" against their will like the rest of us. There are SO many of us, and we have to help each other through. The good news is that we can. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You to all of those women who have helped me, most of which I have never met in person. I couldn't have made it this far without the things that each of you have taught me.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wishing Away Time
I have a quote hanging on the wall at my desk at work that says, “If we fill our hours with regrets of yesterday and worries of tomorrow, we have no today in which to be thankful.” I know exactly where I got the quote but have no idea who said it. Unfortunately, the person that quoted it to me doesn’t know either. I wish I knew so that I could give them credit. It’s quite wise.
Lamenting about things that are past is a complete waste of time. There’s nothing we can do to change it. That time has come and gone. If I had it to do over, there are MANY things I would have never said or done. But, I don’t dwell on them because I can’t change them. Besides, I have asked forgiveness for them already and most likely everyone but me has forgotten them. If you haven’t and I was wrong…please forgive me. Feel free to call and we’ll discuss it. I am ready to admit my mistake if you just remind me…
Worrying about tomorrow or next week…Well, we all do that from time to time. Some more than others. I used to be worried about EVERYTHING. I saw another quote once that said, “Worry works because most of the things I worry about never happen.” I used to think that was funny and worth quoting. Really?? It really just shines a light on how futile worry is in the first place. We know we aren’t supposed to worry. Yet, we do. Most recently, I was worried about losing my hair for so long that I sounded like a broken record. And look how that turned out! Not a big deal at all.
Friday I had my second round of chemo. It appears to have gone well. I wasn’t sick this time either. I felt a little queasy today at work, but nothing that the medicine couldn’t manage. I am feeling the effects more than the last time. It seems stronger because it's starting that cumulative effect they warned me about. I guess I could be worried about that, but I haven’t been. If this cancer has taught me anything (and boy has it!) it’s that I am not in control of things. What a relief! I was sick of feeling in charge anyway. It’s a shame to admit, but for me it took cancer to understand surrender. What a slow learner! Still, I am so thankful for the lesson.
So, let’s check the list: No regrets and dwelling on the past. Check! No worrying about tomorrow. Check! That leaves today. Thankful for that…check! Or am I? I hate to admit it, but I realized today that I usually am not. Not really, anyway. You see, I’m tired. Chemo makes you tired. Of course if you’d ask me before I got cancer, I would have told you the same thing. I was tired then. It’s all just degrees of the tiredness. But I found myself thinking, “I wish today was over so that I could go home and lie down.” How many times have I thought that? Have you?
I hate to admit it, but even in my mode that I thought was “thankful” I haven’t been. I have spent a good deal of those days wishing away time. “If I can just get through this day, then I can go home and rest.” Someone asked me on the elevator this morning, “Is it Friday yet?" It’s Monday! You have to wish away five FULL days to get to Friday on Monday morning! How crazy is that? The truth is that we aren’t guaranteed anything but this moment. For some, this will be the last one here on earth. Even if that’s not the case, we can wish away years of time with nothing to show for it if we aren’t careful. Just passing time, making no impact, getting by…
Yesterday I got to spend the day with my dear friend, Meghan, from many years ago. One of the things that I just couldn’t believe as we talked was how much time had passed since we’ve seen each other. Her son will graduate high school this year and she didn’t have a son the last time we saw each other. How many of those days did I wish away? I look at Brayden and see him growing up so fast and know that it will be his turn to graduate before I know it. I just can’t wish those days away.
So, that brings me back to chemo. I’ve got two down and four to go. How can I not wish it would hurry up and be over? January 8th is circled on the calendar for sure! It’s the last one. But in the meantime, how many moments, memories, and days could I wish away just wishing it was over. What would I miss? I want to miss NOTHING. So, I have to learn to be still in my situation. Enjoy the good times while this is going on. There’s so much more going on than chemo. How can I sum it all up in that? I can’t. So instead of making this time something else I “check off the list”, I’m going to accept it as just one thing happening in my “today”, a today that I am choosing to be thankful for.
Lamenting about things that are past is a complete waste of time. There’s nothing we can do to change it. That time has come and gone. If I had it to do over, there are MANY things I would have never said or done. But, I don’t dwell on them because I can’t change them. Besides, I have asked forgiveness for them already and most likely everyone but me has forgotten them. If you haven’t and I was wrong…please forgive me. Feel free to call and we’ll discuss it. I am ready to admit my mistake if you just remind me…
Worrying about tomorrow or next week…Well, we all do that from time to time. Some more than others. I used to be worried about EVERYTHING. I saw another quote once that said, “Worry works because most of the things I worry about never happen.” I used to think that was funny and worth quoting. Really?? It really just shines a light on how futile worry is in the first place. We know we aren’t supposed to worry. Yet, we do. Most recently, I was worried about losing my hair for so long that I sounded like a broken record. And look how that turned out! Not a big deal at all.
Friday I had my second round of chemo. It appears to have gone well. I wasn’t sick this time either. I felt a little queasy today at work, but nothing that the medicine couldn’t manage. I am feeling the effects more than the last time. It seems stronger because it's starting that cumulative effect they warned me about. I guess I could be worried about that, but I haven’t been. If this cancer has taught me anything (and boy has it!) it’s that I am not in control of things. What a relief! I was sick of feeling in charge anyway. It’s a shame to admit, but for me it took cancer to understand surrender. What a slow learner! Still, I am so thankful for the lesson.
So, let’s check the list: No regrets and dwelling on the past. Check! No worrying about tomorrow. Check! That leaves today. Thankful for that…check! Or am I? I hate to admit it, but I realized today that I usually am not. Not really, anyway. You see, I’m tired. Chemo makes you tired. Of course if you’d ask me before I got cancer, I would have told you the same thing. I was tired then. It’s all just degrees of the tiredness. But I found myself thinking, “I wish today was over so that I could go home and lie down.” How many times have I thought that? Have you?
I hate to admit it, but even in my mode that I thought was “thankful” I haven’t been. I have spent a good deal of those days wishing away time. “If I can just get through this day, then I can go home and rest.” Someone asked me on the elevator this morning, “Is it Friday yet?" It’s Monday! You have to wish away five FULL days to get to Friday on Monday morning! How crazy is that? The truth is that we aren’t guaranteed anything but this moment. For some, this will be the last one here on earth. Even if that’s not the case, we can wish away years of time with nothing to show for it if we aren’t careful. Just passing time, making no impact, getting by…
Yesterday I got to spend the day with my dear friend, Meghan, from many years ago. One of the things that I just couldn’t believe as we talked was how much time had passed since we’ve seen each other. Her son will graduate high school this year and she didn’t have a son the last time we saw each other. How many of those days did I wish away? I look at Brayden and see him growing up so fast and know that it will be his turn to graduate before I know it. I just can’t wish those days away.
So, that brings me back to chemo. I’ve got two down and four to go. How can I not wish it would hurry up and be over? January 8th is circled on the calendar for sure! It’s the last one. But in the meantime, how many moments, memories, and days could I wish away just wishing it was over. What would I miss? I want to miss NOTHING. So, I have to learn to be still in my situation. Enjoy the good times while this is going on. There’s so much more going on than chemo. How can I sum it all up in that? I can’t. So instead of making this time something else I “check off the list”, I’m going to accept it as just one thing happening in my “today”, a today that I am choosing to be thankful for.
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